The Feast Day of Saints Next and Now

Today I decided to observe the Feast Day of Saints Next and Now.

In my practice I honored Saint Now by bowing to my to do list
And glorified Saint Next by dreaming of all the better times that surely lie ahead.

But I think I had it backwards.

Saint Next is only what may or may not happen
Tomorrow or the next day or the day after that.

Saint Now is this very holy moment.
This bright blue sky, these white clouds.
This sausage and potato soup, this butterscotch candy.
This heart beating in this very body.
All of these sunflowers in this afternoon field.

Saint Next is another long commute home.
Saint Now is the liturgy of my each and every breath.

May we know the Holy
Again tomorrow,
But always and most fiercely, today.

A Summer’s End Night Dream

photo (5)As summer ends, the seasons begin to shift and turn again.  Although our climate in Texas does not feel autumnal, in the landscape of the soul there are whispers of fall’s inflection.  These are transition times when dreams might announce a message, a new thought, or simply an idea.

I had such a dream a few nights ago. In this dream, I was sitting at a table with a priest from my church and with a friend from college who died over twenty years ago.  In dreams, of course, all are welcome.  I was holding an empty bowl woven from fibers.  I was telling these two friends, from now and long ago, that I wove this bowl from strands of yarn from old sweaters, ribbons from old gifts, and hair from friends, family, and beloved animals.  We continued to talk about how we weave our loves into our lives.  I was touched by the connection in my heart across the years, and my waking thought was that yes, community endures.

Praying with this dream, I considered the woven empty bowl as perhaps reflecting an empty nest…my empty nest.  We took our daughter to college a couple of weeks ago and are continuing to shift and adjust in our now quieter and seems-much-larger home.  And then I wondered, what if the empty nest is only a holy space for what comes next? As I weave the bowl from love in my dream, could I be also preparing for the waiting grace that lies ahead? Knowing that love never ends, and that community endures, this coming season brings wonder and thankfulness…not only for what has been given but for what is to come.

photo (7)So here’s to the autumn soon to be ours, to community and friends old and new, and to the beautiful nests we weave together.  May we know the grace that calls us always toward the Holy One, toward life, toward Love itself.

Returning to Life

It has been almost ten months since my last Apparent Grace post. Soon it will be a year…but not yet. So there is still time to recall last June, last Trinity Sunday and hopes of beginning again. And there is still time to return to life, to new life in this Easter season.

As it happened, Trinity Sunday last year was almost immediately followed by a whirlwind of family events and much change for a time. It was a season of waiting on the Lord and being lifted by our friends and community. Surgery and illness and other losses…a time of learning patience and trust. And, in the end, certainly a time of apparent grace. Remembering again that all I need to do is look and listen, and grace is shining right before me.

And so, we grow and heal and live to see a new day. A new season of new life. I am ready to write again, to teach again, to learn again and again. I have a new blog glory rays (www.gloryrays.wordpress.com) for poems and prayers and I hope to also write more here at Apparent Grace

May we live into Easter with new hearts of flesh and may we know and give thanks for all good, and for all Apparent Grace in our lives and in our world. Amen, Alleluia!

Trinity Sunday…the day after…a new start

Yesterday was the day on the Christian liturgical calendar known as “Trinity Sunday.” The Sunday following Pentecost (the celebration of the coming of the Holy Spirit)…early June and the beginning of summer.

I have had several memorable Trinity Sundays.  One was in 1978, in Washington DC, when I was visiting Holy Trinity Catholic Church in Georgetown.  I was interviewing for a position as a Jesuit volunteer, a job as the coordinator of Zacchaeus Medical Clinic, an inner city free clinic.  The local Jesuit volunteers took me to church at Holy Trinity and during the liturgy, members of the Community for Creative Non-Violence remained standing as a sign of their commitment to social justice.  I had never seen anyone stand throughout a worship service, much less as a protest or a witness.  Little did I know that seeds were planted that Trinity Sunday that would indeed lead me to become a Jesuit Volunteer, work at the free clinic, and later enter medical school.

Many years later, on Trinity Sunday in 2001, I was received into the Episcopal church, along with my husband.  My spiritual path had meandered from being baptized as an infant by my Methodist minister grandfather, through a Presbyterian childhood and adolescence, into a young adult conversion to Roman Catholicism, and now to the Episcopal church that seemed to be the synthesis of all three earlier traditions..the Episcopal church that made room for my Quaker leanings, my Zen curiosity, my love of movies and books and enjoying friends.  This was the commitment that we made in the spirit of wanting our daughter to grown up in a community of inclusion.  This was the commitment that we made that led to my husband’s re-entering active ministry as an Episcopal priest (having been a former Roman Catholic priest). This was the commitment that led me to spiritual direction for the third time in my life and this time to becoming a spiritual director myself.

Yesterday, Trinity Sunday rolled around again.  The day that we celebrate the community that is the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit…the Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier.  Three persons in one God.  The theology eludes me as the mystery enfolds me like fog or like clouds on a hilltop.  What I love most is the community, the connectedness of these three Persons in one God.  I am reminded, this Trinity Sunday of 2012, that it is never too late to start again.  To live in community within myself, with those around me, with those I love and with those with whom I struggle.  To live in the connectedness and in the blessing of hope and grace and peace. To commit again, to living in love…in the Holy One who lives in and loves each of us.

Beginning again, this day after Trinity Sunday, thankful as ever for apparent grace.

This Moment

This moment
When the world is
Jingling with carols
Sparkling with tinsel
Shining with ribbons
Overflowing with anticipation

This moment
When our
Hearts long for loved ones
Souls ache for our wounded world
Minds spin with frustration
Bodies throb with exhaustion

This moment
Let us pray for all who are
Sad
Hungry
Lonely
Angry
Frightened
Cold
Abandoned

This moment
Breathe
Breathe again

This moment
Close your eyes
Breathe one more time

This moment
May our hearts open to Light
To the Love for which we wait
May the Holy One abide with us all

This moment

Kissing Lepers

Today is October 4, the feast day of St. Francis of Assisi.  We often celebrate this day by blessing animals in our churches as we remember the St. Francis who loved the birds and other creatures…and that may be all some of us know of Francis. Yet this one man, born hundreds of years ago, lived a life that inverted all expectation, transformed the church and religious life, and continues today to inspire men and women who long for something more, who yearn for God.

I have been married for almost nineteen years to a follower of Francis.  It has been a journey filled with wonder and love. While in medical school, I met my future husband and his fellow Franciscans in Galveston, and all were friends on my journey.  A Franciscan priest was my spiritual director while I was a Jesuit volunteer in Washington, DC before medical school had even crossed my mind.  There have been lovers of Francis befriending me for years and years now in an almost mystical procession of serendipity.

I first saw the movie “Brother Sun, Sister Moon” as a college student in Austin in the 1970’s.  The film captured my heart and my spirit and never really let go. It is a beautifully filmed story of the life of Francis with a soundtrack sung by Donovan. One scene that has stayed with me is an image of Francis washing the limbs of people with leprosy (Hansen’s disease) while Donovan’s melody sings of mercy and joy. That mercy, that joy, has followed me through years of seeking and searching and wandering and ultimately, finding love and faithful companionship with others who love Francis.

St. Francis did love animals. He also loved God, and watched and listened to the Spirit.  He knew fear and loneliness and pain.  In embracing all of life, he found grace and blessing.  In Francis’ time, persons who suffered from leprosy were exiled to remote and isolated geography, and although the story is that Francis was frightened by leprosy…the story is also that Francis kissed a leper and in doing so, found freedom and peace.  Nothing was denied, all was welcomed. This life of Francis of Assisi has much to teach us about truth, about the holy, about our own hearts.

So, as we honor the memory of St. Francis today, I wonder how our lives can teach us and lead us more and more toward grace, toward loving kindness, toward justice. The world we live in cries out for mercy, cries out for joy.  I give thanks for the life of Francis, and for all the love that has flowed from his friends and continues to grace our world today.  May we too embrace all of life, casting nothing away, and know the holiness and grace that only love can bring.

Inclusivity?

Recently I have been listening to a number of conversations in and around our church about inclusivity…and I have found myself thinking about inclusivity as a spiritual practice.  Many who endorse the title of “progressive Christian” also endorse the virtue of inclusivity and endeavor to be a haven for those who may have experienced discomfort or injury in the context of religion.  And, almost everyone who aspires to inclusivity sooner or later runs into a brick wall where she or he might think “I can include everyone except…” It is almost as though the intentional practice of inclusivity involves encountering Russian nested dolls–until one appears that we can’t “un-nest.” One that we can’t include.

Where is the place for limits, for boundaries? And where is the place for unconditional inclusion? Is there ever a place for unconditional inclusion? If we proclaim “all are welcome” in our churches (and in our hearts), where is the place when we say “except”? How do we find balance in this place–can we? Is this the place where we might ask (along with our evangelical friends) “What Would Jesus Do?”

It seems to me that communal spiritual practice might be best supported by individual spiritual practice.  If we proclaim an inclusive community, are we also each called to be inclusive persons? If so, how do we practice inclusivity, not just at church but at work, in our neighborhoods, in our families?

Reflecting on inclusivity, it occurs to me that:

  • It is a longitudinal organic and dynamic process–hearts change in relationships over time. We change each other and are changed in our connectedness.  Our experience of each other today will not be our experience of each other tomorrow.
  • Our particular contexts of inclusivity are always imbedded in a larger (sometimes much larger) context where Spirit is active and alive. We are not likely to be aware or conscious of all the implications of our decisions in the larger web of our communal life.
  • Many spiritual teachers (in A Course in Miracles and other resources) have suggested that all our experiences come down in the end to allowing ourselves to choose to respond in any moment from love or from fear.  The question arises whether those of us who name ourselves followers of Jesus are called to exercise a preferential option for love.

In chronos time, we are faced with our perceptions of reality and we bump into obstacles to the practice of inclusivity, many of which can be described as reasoned and reasonable.

In kairos time, we remember to consider the Kingdom of Heaven, the one that is right here, right now. The kingdom that is wild with apparent grace.

When we reach our limits of inclusivity–and being human, we will–instead of standing in critical judgment of another, perhaps we can humbly acknowledge, in a context of grace, that we ourselves fall short in our capacity to love, and that it  is our own lack of wholeness that keeps us from reaching out to our brothers and sisters. Perhaps we can pray that our own hearts be changed, that we ourselves can be healed and forgiven in our very humanity.

In the end…maybe we can seek wisdom as we remember that hearts change in relationship over time, that our context is always embedded in a greater context beyond our knowing, and that if we listen, we are quietly beckoned and invited to choose love over fear, every time that we can. May we know the blessings of open hearts and open minds and joyfully accept the challenges of being human, in the knowledge of grace that abounds–apparent grace.

La Luna

I drove home tonight in the glow of a full moon, like a pearl shining, like a marble with a rough place where the man in the moon peeks out.  The moon teaches us that things aren’t always what they seem–if they ever are at all.

Last week I dreamed about my father.  He was alive again (although the seventh anniversary of his death will soon pass).  Strong, walking around, talkative, cheerful.  I woke up smiling.

Some years ago a poet I knew in Austin fell and hit his head and hours later, died.  Beauty silenced.  His words have lived in my head for years.

So kiss your husband, hug your child, feed your dog.  Cross yourself when the next ambulance passes.

How are we to understand?

Just this:  Only because of the greater light of the sun can we see the beautiful moon at all.

And this:  Only an infinitely more tender love and mercy, beyond all our knowing, releases us to touch each other, in hope, with unforgettable joy.

Resurrection,Redemption: Beyond All Reason

So much is stirring in our world these past days…  A fairy tale royal wedding in London.  Two days later the death of Osama bin Laden with avalanche outpouring of relief, celebration by some and confusion by others.  Tornadoes and flooding in the Midwest and the Southeast areas of the United States.  Meanwhile, a record drought in Houston and the high school tennis court ground near our house looks like this:

Dry cracked earth that is supposed to have grass growing.  And summer, the hot hot hot Texas summer, is just around the corner.  Three weeks ago in Pennsylvania I saw this, and this, and this:

Green and growing, prayers flags blowing in the wind…so different from the cracked dry earth.  As different as the fairy tale wedding is from the death of a terrorist.  If we believe that God is everywhere and that the Spirit is moving, then we can know that the events of our lives, the death and resurrection and ultimately redemption, are sacred texts for us to read, to ponder, to unpack, unravel, maybe even understand. 

Like reading tea leaves, we listen to all around us…  Will we see the holy?  Will we hear the call?  Beyond all reason lies all we are and all we have been and all we will ever be: resurrection and redemption and apparent grace in our lives.